It's cold outside, make sure to drink your greens

Ok, I can't say I'm happy anymore about these snowy days. Can someone please turn summer back on.

Because of the fridged -10 degree temperature and feeling a little under the weather - pun intended - I decided I was in serious need of a soul enriching green smoothie. Give my body that extra pow it needs to fight off any ill whether it be due to stress, anxiety, or the cold. I've mentioned before in previous posts my love and appreciation of green smoothies, but I just can not tell you enough the liveliness I feel from giving my body all the nutrients from this power drink. It has changed my life.

You can play around with the green smoothie and alter it to your own tastes - maybe you don't like kale, that's fine, spinach are wonderful greens for smoothies. Today's smoothie consisted of 1 bunch of kale, 1 (large) orange, 1 (large) gala apple, 1 cup of almond milk, and 1 Nutiva protein powder packet to give it an extra boost of green power.

The power of this drink, for me, goes far beyond it's nutrient. Starting the day off with a green smoothie makes me feel alive and diminishes any feelings associated with the ED, anxiety, cravings, fears, all I feel is alive and well.

For those of you attempting to live a life will less animal products, almond milk is a great substitute to dairy. I use Pacific original organic almond milk - I think it tastes better than the unsweetened. Pacific is a pretty reputable and trustworthy brand.

After battling the elliptical trainer for an hour and sweating  more than a cold drink in July, I was so beyond stir crazy from being stuck in the house for 2 days, I decided to risk the roads and take a trip to The Bucks. Starbucks to you who aren't delighted to be familiar with my lovely father - there's a little sarcasm in there for those of you who aren't catching that.

  Lunch consisted of a green machine smoothie with another packet of Nutiva for extra umph, a soy chai tea latte, an orange that I forgot to photograph and lots and lots of work on the Macbook. You would be surprised how refreshing it can be to sit in a crowded room full of people with the aroma of coffee brewing unless you have been stuck indoors for 2 days. Oh society how dearly I missed thee.

After soaking in all the wonderfulness that is people watching and getting a second hand high off of the many pots of freshly brewed coffee, I roughed it back home to make my favorite treat, muffins. I have a very loving bond with muffins. They were the first pastry that I was able to allow myself to treat myself to without the feelings of guilt and anxiety. I'm not sure why the muffin was the miracle worker that it was, but it definitely was the key that opened the door to other wonderful pastry perfections.

Good Morning muffins: make 16 muffins

Dry Ingredients

1 1/2 c whole wheat pastry flower
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 tbsp flax seeds

1 tbsp cinnamon

1/2 tbsp nutmeg

Wet Ingredients

1 tbsp Red Mill all-natural egg replacer + 3 tbsp water
1 apple - chopped
1 banana - chopped
1 c organic apple sauce
1 tbsp vanilla
1/4 c organic grade B maple syrup
1/4 c brown sugar
1/4 c all-natural peanut butter
1/2 tbsp olive oil

Preheat oven to 350 degrees
Begin by combining dry ingredients in a large bowl and wisk together to incorporate. In another bowl place all wet ingredients and stir together until everything is well combined. Slowly, 1/3 at a time, combine the dry ingredients with the wet. Do not over mix, just stir together enough to allow everything to come together. Once combined, using an ice cream scoop, place the muffin mix into pre-greased muffin tins. Bake for 12-15 minutes. Allow to cool. Enjoy!

These are perfect for breakfast, snack, or a treat. I enjoy my muffins best with a steamy cup of my favorite chai tea latte and either Jess Merritt, Liz Norton, Andi Ostrowski, or any one of my wonderful girl friends. The Train and I usually opt for chocolate if we're going to treat.

Tonight is date night with the Z man. It's Japanese/Mongolian night for us which means Legends of Asia, an all you can eat Japanese & Mongolian buffet - stay tuned, tomorrow could be rough, buffets and I usually do NOT get along, too much food eeks me out and usually is a trigger to binge. I've been good about talking this over with the Train - not a usual thing for me - and he is very good at "holding my hand" through the process to keep all the anxiety at a minimal otherwise I would be a wreck. Wish me luck!

How do you get through anxious situations? 

Cold days call for sledding and comfort food

Happy snow day! Well, to those of us living in the midwest and being blasted with loads and loads of snow. For the first time in a long time, I don't mind a snow day because that means I get the Train home for the day with me. Happy snow day indeed.

With the falling snow and the bone-chilling temperatures, I was inspired to comfort by way of nothing other than warm sweet oats. Not wanting to fall into routine or be menontinous, I played around with different recipes to spice things up. First up Cinnamon Chai Spiced Apple Oats. These oats were the perfect beginning to such a frosty morning and with my obsession of chai, these oats made me smile inside and out.

 Cinnamon Chai Spiced Oats:
1/3 rolled oats
1 c. almond milk - or any type of milk you prefer, or water
1 apple, chopped
1 tbsp chai seeds
1 tbsp cinnamon - this is a lot, but I love cinnamon, so feel free to start with 1 tsp
1 scoop Lifetime Life's Basic vanilla protein (optional)
1 packet stevia
1 tsp vanilla

Place the oats, apple, chai seeds, cinnamon and milk into a small sauce pan and place on medium low heat. Bring to a simmer stirring constantly and then remove from heat, placing a lid on the pan so to trap the heat and allow the oats to cook and the apple to soften. After 10 minutes, add the protein, stevia and vanilla, and mix well - it'll take a little work to make sure the protein gets incorporated well - and enjoy the piping hot spicy goodness warming your soul.

After a trip on the elliptical trainer watching the snow continue to fall and blanket the KC, I was ready for some things good to eat. Again, I turned to oats, but made sure to change it up and give myself - and you - something different. Lunch consisted of Monkey Oats. Peanut butter, banana, and chocolate cooked together with oats, nothing better for a post-workout lunch.

Monkey Oats:
1/3 c. old fashion oats
1 c almond milk - or your milk of choice, or water
1 banana
2 tbsp PB2
1 tbsp carob powder - cocoa powder
1 tsp vanilla
1 packet stevia

Place the oats, banana, PB2 and milk into a small sauce pan and place on medium low heat. Bring to a simmer stirring constantly and then remove from heat, placing a lid on the pan so to trap the heat and allow the oats to cook and everything to heat through. After 10 minutes, add carob powder, stevia and vanilla, and mix well, and enjoy the piping hot chocolatey, nutty goodness warming your soul.

For those of you not familiar with PB2, its a delicious substitute to peanut butter. All the peanutty goodness without the saturated fat, PB2 is peanuts that are roasted and then pressed into a powder creating a deep rich peanut flavor. I suggest trying it in smoothies, sauces, dressing and of course oats.

Of course the Train and I could not let all this beautiful snow go to waste, so after dinner, all bundled up, we trecked out to the famous Mad Dog hill down the road for some good old fashioned sledding. Not only was this so much fun, it totally kicked my butt walking back up the hill with 10lbs of extra clothes on and 6 inches of snow to get through. It was totally worth it.

After a good hour of trips up and down Mad Dog, we decided to call it a night and resume tomorrow after the snow has packed down a little - yes, the Z man and I are truly dorks at heart. Once we peeled all 6 layers off, I made something that I knew would do some serious warming of my heart. Chai tea latte made with almond milk, oh the things you do to me chai tea. It was just what my cold body needed.

After finishing off this lovely cup of sweetness, the Train and I plopped it on the couch and watched the snow fall. It was a perfect ending to a wonderful day. The best part of it all, we get to do it all over again tomorrow.

Happy happy snowy snow day indeed.

A little deepness, a little darkness

Hello and happy Tuesday! I can't tell you how excited I was to read all the loving advice and suggestions. Keep the posts coming!

I must admit one thing. I am still very hesitant and nervous to publish my blogs for everyone to read. I want to write from my heart and say what I want to say, but I am still nervous knowing my friends and family (and fiance) will be reading some possibly dark and deep thoughts. But I promised to stay true to myself on this soul searching journey, so that is what I am going to do.

Sometimes I feel very selfish. I feel like this disease was created by me and therefore I should be the one to cure it. It is my problem to fix and I just need to fix it. Other can help me to get to a place of freedom, but ultimately it is I who has to do the freeing.

These same thoughts have created a deep loneliness within me. The dark secret of it all and the feeling I must do this on my own makes it difficult to allow others in to see the true me, all of me, craziness included. I would keep people at a distance so they would not discover the secret. For those that I did allow somewhat in had difficulty knowing what to do or how to help. It is hard to understand what truly is going on if you have not suffered from this. Even with all their love and support, it was hard to explain and for them to understand the emotions and the drive the ED created, causing me at times to feel even more alone.  

So much of the the time I was living day by day, calorie by calorie, self loath by self loath. It was an endless cycle of waking up with the best of intentions (to me) to try harder and be better, while still restricting, working out harder and longer, and faking a big smile so no one would catch on to the madness within. I would get sympathy and encouragement from those who love me, but it pains me to say that I was not giving much, if any, true love to those in return. I was so focused on the next calorie, the next workout, perpetuating the feelings of selfishness and loneliness, and ultimately the cycle.

Fortunately, after many years of hard work and with the help of a wonderful holistic counselor (and the passionate support of friends and family, particularly my sister and fiance), I know now all this was the ED talking, trying to keep me drawn in. I am now able to distinguish my inner compassionate voice from the ED voice and no longer believe I am horrible or disgusting (or any negative adjective for that matter). I can talk back to it with empathy and kindness creating a love of self that had been lost for a long time. I am able to be good to me and love me. The place of freedom gets closer and closer every loving step at a time. It is still a work in progress, but it is progressing with each inner word of kindness.

Even after rereading this I feel a sense of warmth and love knowing I do not truly believe any of those thoughts any longer...Yep, freedom gets closer every loving step at a time.  







 

Home at last!

Happy Monday! (and Martin Luther King Day!)

We made it! It took 22 long sleepless grueling hours of nothing but driving through mountains, fog, snow/ice, and darkness, BUT we made it! Happy day!

After a very long and much needed night of deep sleep, I woke up not feeling so hot (but still happy!). I didn't drink much water during the drive - didn't want to have to stop as much as we usually do - and I could feel the dehydration all throughout my body. So after sucking down 2 whole camelbak, I started to feel a little better and decided to start making myself something warm and creamy.

These are my delicious, soul touching apple, banana, almond butter long cooking oats. These will literally touch your heart. And to boot, they are super easy!

Soul Touching Oats:
1/3 c old fashion oats
1/2 c almond milk
1/2 c water - you could do just water or just almond milk
1 small apple
1/2 banana
1 tbsp almond butter - or any nut butter of your choice
1/4 tsp vanilla
1 packet stevia - or a little agave or brown sugar

Start with cutting up your fruit into small pieces and placing them to the side. Fill a small sauce pan with oats and almond milk/water and place on low-medium heat. Let that warm just slightly and then stir in the fruit. Once it start to simmer, turn off the heat, add the almond butter, and place a lid on it. Let it sit on the stove - but off the heat - for 10 minutes. The steam will break down the fruit and allow the oats to cook through. After 10 minutes, add in the vanilla and the stevia. Mix well, place into your favorite cute bowl and enjoy!

These oats seemed to touch more than my soul today, they are so good, especially after surviving 22 hours on apples and Larabars.

If anyone is curious, they are all for the most part de-lish, but the Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough is (right now) my favorite!

Lunch was a monstrous salad - mixed greens, an avocado, a diced apple, carrots, cabbage with balsamic and olive oil - from a salad bar. It felt good to put something fresh into my life after that grueling trip.

After the Train and I ran some errands and got some things to make dinner, he unpacked the cars and I made dinner. Once in Boise when I was in the midst of clearing out my cupboards before going home for a break I discovered the blissful marriage of acorn squash and avocados. Sounds a little off, but I promise, the warm sweet starchy goodness of the squash pairs beautifully with the cool butteriness of the avocado. So I roasted the squash - cut it in half and cut side up place in a 400 degree oven for 30 - 40 minutes - and cut it up into small cubes with some mixed greens and the avocado. A drizzle of olive oil and balsamic vinegar, and dinner was served.

Today has been a push/pull day for me. I'm being pulled towards something that makes sense financially and is really a great opportunity for the Z man and I, but my heart is pushing me towards something that is more easing of my heart, mind, and soul (and my relationship). We have the chance to stay with the in-laws until the wedding allowing us to save money to start a life, but that means living in a place full of anxiety, triggers, and possible ED challenges. A part of me says "buck up Burns, you'd be saving quite a bit of money for you the and Train" but the other part says "allow this place is wonderful, it is not right place for you to be in while trying to heal".

I've talked the situation over with the Train and although I know he will do anything to help me, I don't know that he understands the magnitude of the situation. And even though I've tried explaining things to him, I think its harder trying to explain things to myself. The ED tells me to do unhealthy things, stay in a place full of triggers and that causes me distress, but I'm trying to listen to the new found inner voice that I have that tells me to be nice to me, be good to me, do what is right for me.

 How do you fight off disordered thoughts and listen to your nurturing voice? Do you know how to listen to your nurturing voice or have you lost connection with it? 


Well the rest of the night is going to be catching up on some other blogs and trying to figure this camera thing out so I can upload better pictures. I'm so happy to be back in KC with the Train and both of my beautiful four legged children.

Tumble weeds on the roll... again...

Moving day! Happy happy happy day!

Simpson is not as excited about today as I am. Maybe he's thinking about the 19 drive ahead of us that I'm trying to not think about.

Last night I had a final horrah with some girl friends before I left. Thanks girls for helping me clean, pack, and drink a few more bottles of wine. I'll miss you all!

I started the day off with a a green juice and my hemp protein so that I could rock it out in the gym. I've been struggling a bit on the elliptical lately, I'm going to attribute it to stress and anxiety. Either way, a stellar workout sesh to get moving day started off on the right note.

I had a gift card to the Boise Co op with some mulla left on it, so I gleefully spent every last penny (and then some) on some very fun vegan treats! Check out the goods would ya...

Larabars, liquid aminos, almond butter, tahini, coconut oil & butter, 5 grain cereal, PB2, fresh Canadian grade B maple syrup, multi-grain hot cereal, egg replacer, red maca powder, and almond milk creamer (original & french vanilla). Did I score or what! I'm going to be a very happy vegan once I get to play with all this stuff!

*Again I apologize for the crappy pictures, once I'm back in KC I promise much better quality for you all to Ohh and Ahh over.

I had lunch with a very dear friend once last time before I left at Goldy's Breakfast Bistro, which again if you ever happen to stumble upon Boise (huh?) you must must must check this place out (try the mushroom frittata or the eggs benedict... ba-na-nas!). I opted for a more vegan friendly fair, a piping cup of soy chai tea (my favorite), a GIANT bowl of fresh local fruit and (AH BOO, safe!) Goldy's mile high veggie salad - I got a little nervous ordering because I'm going to be stuck in a car for 20 hours so before I knew it "salad" came out of my mouth, dang. Safe or not, I have to give it them, fruit cupping to those at Goldy's is an art form. Isn't this thing beautiful!

After lunch, I picked up the Train (YAY!) from the airport and we had to feed him and the tape worm that seems to reside within him - man that boy can EAT! After his belly was satisfied, we rushed to the apartment so that he could finally meet his new son.

Aren't they CUTE!

Once they became acquainted we started to haul everything down to and within hours we were out the door. Good-bye Boise!

So here is what I'm getting a little nervous about. As excited as I am to be back home, I'm a little anxious of all the things that are going to take place, moving into a new place with the Train, finding a new job (hopefully), keeping up in the gym, and staying true to my new vegan ways. It's not that my family isn't supportive, but they seem to not always have my back when it comes to my lifestyle choices or make it easy for me. Granted I haven't given them too many reasons to take my side when it come to food and eating, but I'm finally finding a happy place when it comes to food thanks to becoming a vegan. How do you find the strength when it doesn't seem like those around you support you? Where else do you find support for your challenges? How do you stay true to you?


I'm hoping to get a post in while we're on the road, but getting the Z man to stop for reason other than letting me pee (every hour on the hour it seems) is kind of a challenge. I'm sure once I tell him its for all of you to enjoy the move and views along with us, maybe he'll give me 10 minutes to snap a picture here and there. So the next time you hear from me I'll officially be a Kansas Citian... KCMO-inite... a Missourian... whatever you want to call it, I'm calling it home!

A Good-bye Tribute

Hello everyone! Can I just say TGIF takes on a whole new meaning for me because tomorrow I get to move HOME! YAY!

Sorry for the MIA yesterday, I meant to say a little something after my dinner party with the colleagues but a few bottles of wine later and some much needed Sarah/Chelsea time equated to me sleeping on the floor on my memory foam mattress because I sold my bed yesterday. Ohh but it was so worth it.

I wanted to use today's post as a tribute to some very special people I've met here during my stint in Boise. As I mentioned in the other day's post, my dearest friend LT has made the past year bearable (sadly we did not find one another until our second semester). She has the most amazing heart and such a wonderful soul, she really did save me from many a bad days. She was the first and only person in Boise I trusted with my ED and she was fully on board when it came helping me every step of the way. We had many dinner dates together either at my home or her's so that I wouldn't have to eat (or not eat) alone. And days I wanted to spend all my time beating myself up either emotionally or physically on the elliptical trainer, she would bring back to reality and make me feel special. LT, you are such a wonderful person, you're friendship means the moon to me. I love you. (PS- I will get a picture of us before I leave!!)

Next are my colleagues who supported me the best they could in the situation we were all in. Keita, Brandon, and Josh, thank you for always having my back. When I felt alone and on an island, I could count on you guys to make sure I knew I wasn't alone.   So here's The Bird to you Brandon and Keita, and a hug to Josh.

The Vball girls... where do I start (wipe a tear). Thank you all for the most amazing experience over the past year and a half. All of you hold a very special place in my heart. Thank you!

Sarah and Andi, even though we were only together for a short time, I feel I have two VERY dear friends and loves for life.

Excuse me while I grab a Kleenex... Alright let's get back to soul searching veganism shall we?

So I have to confess, I have been kind of (ok...MAJORLY) on edge the past few days about the whole food thing. I feel like I'm trying to fight (YAY!) off the anxiety and disordered thoughts, but they are there and they are LOUD.  I know it has a lot to do with moving, saying good-bye, starting over (again) and the unknown before me. Before, I'd always turned to food to pacify my emotions and anxiety, but I really am trying to listen to what is actually going on, why I'm feeling what I'm feeling, and find a more healthy way to deal. How do you deal with anxiety or other emotions that are hard to handle?


So yesterday and today I opted for safe affairs only because it was better for me to go safe, ease the anxiety, and actually do something good for my body, rather than what could have happened (i.e. not eating).  So breakfast was a green juice with hemp protein. Lunch was a monstrous salad (spinach, chickpeas, kidney beans, peas, tomatoes, olives, beats and an avocado) with side of fresh blueberries.

Dinner is yet to be, the girls are coming over for Boxes and Wine. They're bringing the boxes, I'm supplying the wine, and we're going to party while packing me up for KC! Good-bye Boise, Hello KCMO!

If you chocolate.... I will come :)

Today was just full of indulgences...

I started the day off by indulging myself in an extra hour of glorious, warm, and soothing sleep (in other words, it was too darned cold in my apartment to get out of bed when the alarm when off, and Simpson and I were just too cozy together).

Once I peeled the blankets off the bed and was able to burrito myself in them, I contemplated what to have for breakfast. I wasn't super hungry this morning, but I needed something because I was heading to the gym for a dance with the elliptical trainer. So I indulged in a store-bought juice, which I rarely buy because why buy what I can create myself, along with a Nutiva Organic Hemp Protein Powder shaken (not stirred... sorry cheezy) in with it. For those of you who haven't tried hemp protein, I challenge you to, it is a great way to get some much needed protein (let's rev up the metabolism eh).

After my hour long sweat (puddles of sweat) session, I quickly jet home to take a swim in my shower, grabbed my computer and zipped out the door for lunch at the most wonderfully fantastically delicious vegan/vegetarian restaurant and tea house in Boise (where the heck is that?) called Shangri-La Tea. If you are ever in the Boise (where?) area, which I doubt many of you will ever be, you MUST look up this place... food-gasm. Ok, back to my point. I have to apologize ahead of time... I really meant to take pictures for all you to admire and bask in all the delicious glory... but I basked in the delicious glory of my Vegan Corn (might I mention NOT safe) Chowder and Asian Rainbow Salad with sesame-ginger-lime dressing a little too quickly and ate it all up before a single flash could take place. I seriously shoveled this amazing food into my mouth. But fear not, I did take a picture of this...

Meet Chocolate-Cup-O-Nirvana.

My family and friends, and those who know me at all, know I am a licensed and certified chocoholic, no joke (Hi, my name is Chelsea and I'm a chocoholic... Hi Chelsea). So when I saw the Power Pudding made with raw cacao, avocados, raw coconut butter, maca, goji berries and dates served with blueberries and walnuts, a tingling sensation started in toes and radiated into my stomach. I knew I was going to be having this for dessert, even though I wanted to say to hell with chowder give me the power! Literally, the heavens parted and God said to me "Did I do good or what huh?" Yes God, you done good!

Are those lick marks? Don't worry, I refrained and remained lady like although the five year old inside me was kicking and screaming for more...

After I finished my two pots (yes pots) of the house chai tea, I literally had to waddle myself out to my car. Major food baby, a nice healthy developed food baby.

While I waited for my dinner date with my love LT, I continued to clean and pack and clean and pack UGH! I also waited for some people to stop by and look at some of our things we're trying to sell on Craigslist. Anyone need a loveseat?

Dinner consisted of a table for two, my dearest friend LT, and mounds and mounds of toe-tingling, hair-on-the-back-of-your-neck-standing, drool worthy vegetarian and vegan bliss at again Shangri-La Tea (hey I have to get as much of it in before I leave for good!).

LT ordered the falaful sandwich, which looked devine,

while I opted for the tabouli salad,

and wild mushroom miso soup.

Yum-E-Yum-Yum!    

And of course we could not leave with out just one more indulgence... behold...

A chocolate lover's dream, layers of decadent vegan chocolate cream sandwiching a piece of luscious vegan chocolate cake... how do they do it? Mind.Blow.Ing! (we couldn't wait for the picture we both HAD to try it)

All in all, this day was as decadent as ever and I feel like I'm floating on puffy clouds of chocolate bliss. I'm pretty proud of myself for TWO desserts today, and eating out TWO times in ONE day (definitely a big deal for me). The soup and salad may have been a smidge safe, but I feel on top of a mountain...a big sweet chocolatey mountain.