We made it! It took 22 long sleepless grueling hours of nothing but driving through mountains, fog, snow/ice, and darkness, BUT we made it! Happy day!
After a very long and much needed night of deep sleep, I woke up not feeling so hot (but still happy!). I didn't drink much water during the drive - didn't want to have to stop as much as we usually do - and I could feel the dehydration all throughout my body. So after sucking down 2 whole camelbak, I started to feel a little better and decided to start making myself something warm and creamy.
Soul Touching Oats:
1/3 c old fashion oats
1/2 c almond milk
1/2 c water - you could do just water or just almond milk
1 small apple
1/2 banana
1 tbsp almond butter - or any nut butter of your choice
1/4 tsp vanilla
1 packet stevia - or a little agave or brown sugar
Start with cutting up your fruit into small pieces and placing them to the side. Fill a small sauce pan with oats and almond milk/water and place on low-medium heat. Let that warm just slightly and then stir in the fruit. Once it start to simmer, turn off the heat, add the almond butter, and place a lid on it. Let it sit on the stove - but off the heat - for 10 minutes. The steam will break down the fruit and allow the oats to cook through. After 10 minutes, add in the vanilla and the stevia. Mix well, place into your favorite cute bowl and enjoy!
These oats seemed to touch more than my soul today, they are so good, especially after surviving 22 hours on apples and Larabars.
Lunch was a monstrous salad - mixed greens, an avocado, a diced apple, carrots, cabbage with balsamic and olive oil - from a salad bar. It felt good to put something fresh into my life after that grueling trip.
After the Train and I ran some errands and got some things to make dinner, he unpacked the cars and I made dinner. Once in Boise when I was in the midst of clearing out my cupboards before going home for a break I discovered the blissful marriage of acorn squash and avocados. Sounds a little off, but I promise, the warm sweet starchy goodness of the squash pairs beautifully with the cool butteriness of the avocado. So I roasted the squash - cut it in half and cut side up place in a 400 degree oven for 30 - 40 minutes - and cut it up into small cubes with some mixed greens and the avocado. A drizzle of olive oil and balsamic vinegar, and dinner was served.
Today has been a push/pull day for me. I'm being pulled towards something that makes sense financially and is really a great opportunity for the Z man and I, but my heart is pushing me towards something that is more easing of my heart, mind, and soul (and my relationship). We have the chance to stay with the in-laws until the wedding allowing us to save money to start a life, but that means living in a place full of anxiety, triggers, and possible ED challenges. A part of me says "buck up Burns, you'd be saving quite a bit of money for you the and Train" but the other part says "allow this place is wonderful, it is not right place for you to be in while trying to heal".
I've talked the situation over with the Train and although I know he will do anything to help me, I don't know that he understands the magnitude of the situation. And even though I've tried explaining things to him, I think its harder trying to explain things to myself. The ED tells me to do unhealthy things, stay in a place full of triggers and that causes me distress, but I'm trying to listen to the new found inner voice that I have that tells me to be nice to me, be good to me, do what is right for me.
How do you fight off disordered thoughts and listen to your nurturing voice? Do you know how to listen to your nurturing voice or have you lost connection with it?
Well the rest of the night is going to be catching up on some other blogs and trying to figure this camera thing out so I can upload better pictures. I'm so happy to be back in KC with the Train and both of my beautiful four legged children.
Money will come and go... enjoy your time together, alone, as you start your new adventures as one. :) You'll never regret it. :)
ReplyDeleteLove Always,
-Mel-
Beautifully said Mel, you're so right, thank you for the word of encouragement! <3
ReplyDeleteNot trying to be a critic, a downer or someone who doesn't appear to be supportive, I simply have an understanding that an eating disorder is truly no different than someone dealing alcoholism: those cravings, feelings, triggers, etc... are always there. Individuals, such as yourself, are always working to get beyond them, block them and cope with them. At some point in their lives, it is easier than others. So, what I want to know is how and when you are able to obtain coping skills to deal with and manage these obstacles? I know you have been working on this a long time and have had different types of therapeutic support. Money may come and go, but it is also a huge cause of stress: having and not having...something to add to your "triggers" per say...to not have available fund for the wedding you want, the organic foods you eat, etc... It seems to me you immediately, after only being with the future in-laws a short time, are setting up your walls and triggers. Have you ever sat with them and taken the time to educate them on your situation, your triggers, etc? Even though you may live in their home, have you asked for a particular area for your safe space? And still respect that it is their home? Just saying, are there other options besides simply "running away" from the triggers and stress? Any way to De-Stress that particular situation because eventually in life you are going to have to confront, deal with and cope with stressful situations without running from them. LIke I started with, I am not a professional, I am not attempting to be critical, I am simply looking from the outside in to your situation that you have presented us. I love and want you to feel good about yourself, to be able to look into a mirror and say "Chelsea, I love you, just for being you" To be able to look at any types of food and not feel stress. This is something I have never felt and obviously never dealt with except through you. Good luck in your decision and your new adventures in KC! All My Love~Shawna
ReplyDeleteI feel good about saying I do not believe this to be a case of running away from a situation. As you mentioned before, and ED is similar to drug addictions or alcoholism. Would you ask an alcoholic to live in a bar and serve them 3 servings of alcohol a day? I am just acknowledging a situation that does not work for me. For once I am not just trying to deal with things and listening to the ED but rather doing what is good for me mind, body, and soul. I see no nobility in staying in a bad situation in the hopes of getting somewhere or something in the end. Thank you for your words of advice, it helps me to see more clearly what it right for me. <3
ReplyDeleteI guess if you explained your situation and what is the bad situation maybe we'd have a better idea. Are you staying in a house with other people with eating disorders? No, I wouldn't say a new alcoholic should spend time socializing in a bar, but eventually when they have the proper tools they should and could be able to handle that social situation. I am not saying you have to unload other peoples flaws or things you disagree with here to the world wide web, I am just saying...you say bad situation, but no one knows what that is to you? You have said triggers, but what are they? What is it you are facing? Do the people you're living with know what your triggers are, the battles you face, your history? ~shawna
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