I actually said this to myself last night - more than once. These words literally played over and over again in my head, beating and beating away myself. What a terrible thing to say. I would never say this about someone else nor would I allow someone else to say this to me. But for some reason it's ok to say it to myself, repeatedly, until I am succumbed to nothing. I am in every sense my own worst and most horrible critique.
Not that it matters, let us rehash yesterday's events. Why was I saying such belittling words to myself?
The day started like I imagined it would after a night of buffeting. I wanted to start fresh with a giant dose of green smoothie, but in the process, I cut some corners since last night was spent dining on piles and mounds of glutenous food. So rather than a full scoop of my protein, I opted for slightly less. Alright, about half as much as I usually use, but I reasoned with it because I - rather the ED - told myself I had eaten enough last night, I didn't really need the full scoop this morning. Low and behold, I was hungry about 1 1/2 hours after breakfast and had to persuade my hunger that it wasn't simple true, I couldn't possibly be hungry. How could I be, I'd eaten so much last night? Down went 2 camelbaks of water to prove my point. Point not taken.
Rather than beginning to fathom I could possibly be hungry, I jumped on the elliptical in attempts to further prove my point. For an hour. At one resistance level higher than my usual. Just to be on the "safe" side. Upon barely finishing my workout, feeling terrible and finding myself listening more and more to the ED more clearly, I tried to wash it all away in a hot shower. Not such a big deal, unless like me you get overwhelmed by being overly hungry and rather than trying, I don't know, to eat something, you become afraid of all things food and become so anxious you avoid the whole thing entirely. In other words, no, I did not eat lunch, after not eating a very good breakfast, after working out longer and harder than typical, and being lightheaded with hunger.
At this point, I was at what I call, the point of no return. I knew that if I allowed myself to eat alone, I'd be on enemy grounds and ultimately binge, but by not eating I was continuing the dreaded cycle. My brain was on hyperdrive, battling back and forth, quarreling with the ED, trying to find my voice of compassion. I could hear it trying to fight for me, but the ED was like a vice, holding me down, twisting tighter when I started to resist.
Loosening its grip only slightly, I was able to silence the feud long enough to eat an orange and some carrots with hummus - one small feat, but no doubt a feat.
The Train and I had a nice evening planned of wedding planning, soy chai tea lattes and basking in our love as we discussed our wedding. Alright, I planned the last two things, the Train really only had any idea of the wedding planning. I would like to say this is how our evening ended up playing out, but on the contrary. It ended with disagreements over the wedding budget, me in tears and the Z man trying to figure out where our night had gone wrong and what I wasn't telling him. All I could tell him was "this all just drives the point home that I am still a nobody with nothing, after everything and all my hard work, I'm am nothing more than a nobody with nothing."
I heard the words ring over and over in my head. I tried to fight the words with thoughts of all my accomplishments, a college degree from a prestigious private college, a license and certification to practice athletic training, three quarters of a masters degree - to be finished in May- and a wonderfully fabulous man who loves me unconditional. Try as I might, these accomplishments got a KO from the ED.
I felt defeated. I felt I had gone 10 steps forward only to go 12 steps back with no idea where to even begin. I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to eat, I wanted silence and peace within me only for just a second so that I could give myself a chance to pick up and start the healing process again.
After not such a good night's rest, I took a look back, evaluate and learn from last night, rather than allow myself to start the cycle over. But what had I learned, I had allowed the ED to ruin yet another day of my life?
I tried to say to myself today what I had said last night and I could not even begin to form the words. I simply do not believe them, nor looking back did I really believe them when I said them. I had allowed in a moment of weakness the ED a chance to speak. At a time when I was most vulnerable, I listened to it over my voice of love and compassion.
Be that what it may, I did learn for yesterday's events. I learned that even though nights like those happen, I grow stronger and more empathetic towards myself each time. I learned that even though I recognized a situation for a possible binge, which was a good thing, I need to resist the temptation to restrict out of fear and anxiety, but rather be merciful and oblige in what my body needs. I'm slowly learning to have some amnesia in a sense that yesterday's food and meals need to be forgotten and listen to what I need for today. I learned that even with each step back, it gets easier to return to where I was, and am even able to progress forward more firmly. I'm learning to fight and talk back to the ED, and to love and forgive myself.
I am not a nobody with nothing to show. I am someone with the entire world before me. I am me, learning and loving myself one day at a time.
