Hello and happy Tuesday! I can't tell you how excited I was to read all the loving advice and suggestions. Keep the posts coming!
I must admit one thing. I am still very hesitant and nervous to publish my blogs for everyone to read. I want to write from my heart and say what I want to say, but I am still nervous knowing my friends and family (and fiance) will be reading some possibly dark and deep thoughts. But I promised to stay true to myself on this soul searching journey, so that is what I am going to do.
Sometimes I feel very selfish. I feel like this disease was created by me and therefore I should be the one to cure it. It is my problem to fix and I just need to fix it. Other can help me to get to a place of freedom, but ultimately it is I who has to do the freeing.
These same thoughts have created a deep loneliness within me. The dark secret of it all and the feeling I must do this on my own makes it difficult to allow others in to see the true me, all of me, craziness included. I would keep people at a distance so they would not discover the secret. For those that I did allow somewhat in had difficulty knowing what to do or how to help. It is hard to understand what truly is going on if you have not suffered from this. Even with all their love and support, it was hard to explain and for them to understand the emotions and the drive the ED created, causing me at times to feel even more alone.
So much of the the time I was living day by day, calorie by calorie, self loath by self loath. It was an endless cycle of waking up with the best of intentions (to me) to try harder and be better, while still restricting, working out harder and longer, and faking a big smile so no one would catch on to the madness within. I would get sympathy and encouragement from those who love me, but it pains me to say that I was not giving much, if any, true love to those in return. I was so focused on the next calorie, the next workout, perpetuating the feelings of selfishness and loneliness, and ultimately the cycle.
Fortunately, after many years of hard work and with the help of a wonderful holistic counselor (and the passionate support of friends and family, particularly my sister and fiance), I know now all this was the ED talking, trying to keep me drawn in. I am now able to distinguish my inner compassionate voice from the ED voice and no longer believe I am horrible or disgusting (or any negative adjective for that matter). I can talk back to it with empathy and kindness creating a love of self that had been lost for a long time. I am able to be good to me and love me. The place of freedom gets closer and closer every loving step at a time. It is still a work in progress, but it is progressing with each inner word of kindness.
Even after rereading this I feel a sense of warmth and love knowing I do not truly believe any of those thoughts any longer...Yep, freedom gets closer every loving step at a time.
