Ready for the world

A great day under the belt is all I needed to feel back on track. I feel rejuvenated, reenergized and ready to take on the world.

(This was taken during one of my trips to Hawaii. I thought it illustrated how I'm feeling)

The day didn't start off like any other day, well it did as far as my breakfast - big green smoothie with a heaping scoop of vegan protein powder -, but upon waking I vowed to be the creator of my emotions and the ruler of my disposition. My holistic counselor taught me that what we put out into the universe is what we receive, if I want happiness and love, I need to put out happiness and love. I decided on the word Positive as my emotion and state of being because I felt it blanketed all areas in my life both physical and emotional. Positive. Positive. Positive. I said it to myself three times and felt this radiant glow in my chest. I was putting my heart in charge.

I did start to feel a little anxious and slightly worried midmorning because soon (very soon) after my breakfast, I had hunger pangs. Usually the ED starts rattling off unrealistic and untruthful excuses to these early signs of hunger, but I refused to let it get in edgewise and soothed the pains with a half almond milk half almond cream chai tea latte. Super rich and creamy spiced tea hit the spot and held me over for my workout and during the hour it took to shower and get ready. ED 0, Burns 1. Positive. Positive. Positive.

Lunch was the last of my mexican red quinoa from the other day on top of kale, a mix of vegetables and greens. I added some chickpeas for a little extra protein. Something about eating raw kale that makes me feel so nurturing of myself, it is incredibly nutritious and one of the best greens to add to your diet. It's like taking a dose of health and longevity. Kale is great source of protein and essential nutrients such as omega 3 and 6 fatty acids, folate, calcium, vitamins A, D and K. I do recommend easing it in though, it can be a hard green to get your taste buds to get accustomed to.

After lunch, I was off to my first day of my new job. I'm currently working as a temp athletic trainer at a university here in Kansas City, but there is a great chance for me to get hired on for the full-time assistant position. I was a little hesitant to even take the temp position due to my not such positive experience at my previous position, but knowing that I am good at what I do (ED 0, Burns 100), I decided to give it another shot. And my am I glad I did. It was so refreshing and inspiring to be back in a positive work environment again - even with being sadly understaffed and very overworked. Took me back to my undergraduate days at Simpson. Today was great and I'm already looking forward to tomorrow. Positive. Positive. Positive.

I packed for a dinner out tonight al fresco, or more like al BarnsandNoble. The Train has graduate classes on Wednesday nights and isn't home until late, so I hit up the book store to do some research on a project I'm going to be starting in February. You'll have to stay tuned to see what it is.

After a few hours of diligent scouring of many different vegan raw cookbooks (oops! almost gave it away!) I packed it up to call it a night. I vowed to myself to make tomorrow just as great as today and to keep my heart in charge.

I am the creator of my own emotions and I am the ruler of my disposition.

To learn is to grow

Hello everyone! I hope you're Tuesday is shaping up to some thing wonderful! Thank you for the wonderful responses to the other day's post, they are magical to me.

I knew this journey was going to be a learning experience for me, but I never knew how much I would learn about myself, about others, and from others.  I am learning how to be more forgiving, more respectful and more expressive of myself. Empowering my inner voice of compassion has given me the strength to do such things. I am also learning how to identify things that I wouldn't have had I not written them down, read them and had you all acknowledge them. But there is one thing that I did not expect to learn that I am, learning to talk about this honestly and truthfully with the Train.

For those of you who do not know, an ED creates an immeasurable about of shame and embarrassment - even more so for those of us who specialize in health and nutrition as I do. This remorse makes the ED extremely challenging to talk about with anyone, especially and particularly those we love. But being so honest with all of you, it struck me that I need to be as honest with the Z man. I'm going to push myself to let go of the shame, release myself of the guilt, fully open my heart and be forthright and sincere with the man I love.

So today I wanted to share with everyone a wonderful recipe that I was inspire to make - and put my own mark on - after reading some of my fellow vegan foodie blogs. Angela, a vegan food enthusiast and baker like myself, from Oh She Glows had made Red Quinoa and Black Bean Vegetable Salad that sounded like something that could hit the spot, but after pouring over the recipe something wasn't working for me. Don't get me wrong, it sounded great, but it wasn't doing that thing for me. After gather all the ingredients and perusing through the cupboards, pantry, fridge, and freezer, I found what I was looking for. Mexican stewed tomatoes with green chilies. Yes, Mexican food is where I was headed and this is what I came up with.

Mexican Vegetable and Quinoa Salad:

1 cup Red Quinoa
2 tbsp olive oil
1 14oz can black beans, drained and rinsed
1 red bell pepper - chopped
2 cups diced mushrooms
1 package frozen corn - thawed
1 12oz can Stewed Mexican tomatoes with chilies - I went with medium, but you can choose your own heat level
1 cup cherry tomatoes - halved
1 avocado
1 tbsp cumin powder
1 tbsp oregano
1 tsp chili powder
1 tsp smoked paprika
2 tsp sea salt
1/2 tsp fresh ground pepper
 
Prepare the quinoa according to package. While the quinoa is cooking, heat 1 tbsp of olive oil over medium heat in a large skillet. Place mushrooms and bell pepper in the skillet and cook until softened, about 7 minutes. Next add the corn, stewed tomatoes, and black beans, allowing them to cook down slightly, about another 7 minutes. Add the spices to the skillet, mixing well to allow them to become fulling incorporated. Lastly, off the heat, add the tomatoes and the avocado allowing them to warm through.

Once the quinoa is cooked, it takes about 30 minutes, add the remaining olive oil and fluff it with a fork gently. Combine the vegetable mixture to the quinoa and incorporate with a fork to ensure a light fluffy consistency. Add a heaping cup to some mixed greens and enjoy!

This salad is perfect by itself, added to mixed greens or romaine, or atop toasted bread. It is packed full of protein and essential nutrients thanks to the quinoa, vegetables, and healthy fats creating a light and yet satisfying meal.

With that said, I'm off to go spend the evening with the Train. I feel I have some ground to make up.  

"A nobody with nothing to show"

I actually said this to myself last night - more than once. These words literally played over and over again in my head, beating and beating away myself. What a terrible thing to say. I would never say this about someone else nor would I allow someone else to say this to me. But for some reason it's ok to say it to myself, repeatedly, until I am succumbed to nothing. I am in every sense my own worst and most horrible critique. 


Not that it matters, let us rehash yesterday's events. Why was I saying such belittling words to myself?

The day started like I imagined it would after a night of buffeting. I wanted to start fresh with a giant dose of green smoothie, but in the process, I cut some corners since last night was spent dining on piles and mounds of glutenous food. So rather than a full scoop of my protein, I opted for slightly less. Alright, about half as much as I usually use, but I reasoned with it because I - rather the ED - told myself I had eaten enough last night, I didn't really need the full scoop this morning. Low and behold, I was hungry about 1 1/2 hours after breakfast and had to persuade my hunger that it wasn't simple true, I couldn't possibly be hungry. How could I be, I'd eaten so much last night? Down went 2 camelbaks of water to prove my point. Point not taken.

 Rather than beginning to fathom I could possibly be hungry, I jumped on the elliptical in attempts to further prove my point. For an hour. At one resistance level higher than my usual. Just to be on the "safe" side. Upon barely finishing my workout, feeling terrible and finding myself listening more and more to the ED more clearly, I tried to wash it all away in a hot shower. Not such a big deal, unless like me you get overwhelmed by being overly hungry and rather than trying, I don't know, to eat something, you become afraid of all things food and become so anxious you avoid the whole thing entirely. In other words, no, I did not eat lunch, after not eating a very good breakfast, after working out longer and harder than typical, and being lightheaded with hunger.

At this point, I was at what I call, the point of no return. I knew that if I allowed myself to eat alone, I'd be on enemy grounds and ultimately binge, but by not eating I was continuing the dreaded cycle. My brain was on hyperdrive, battling back and forth, quarreling with the ED, trying to find my voice of compassion. I could hear it trying to fight for me, but the ED was like a vice, holding me down, twisting tighter when I started to resist.

Loosening its grip only slightly, I was able to silence the feud long enough to eat an orange and some carrots with hummus - one small feat, but no doubt a feat.

The Train and I had a nice evening planned of wedding planning, soy chai tea lattes and basking in our love as we discussed our wedding. Alright, I planned the last two things, the Train really only had any idea of the wedding planning. I would like to say this is how our evening ended up playing out, but on the contrary. It ended with disagreements over the wedding budget, me in tears and the Z man trying to figure out where our night had gone wrong and what I wasn't telling him. All I could tell him was "this all just drives the point home that I am still a nobody with nothing, after everything and all my hard work, I'm am nothing more than a nobody with nothing."

I heard the words ring over and over in my head. I tried to fight the words with thoughts of all my accomplishments, a college degree from a prestigious private college, a license and certification to practice athletic training, three quarters of a masters degree - to be finished in May- and a wonderfully fabulous man who loves me unconditional. Try as I might, these accomplishments got a KO from the ED.  

I felt defeated. I felt I had gone 10 steps forward only to go 12 steps back with no idea where to even begin. I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to eat, I wanted silence and peace within me only for just a second so that I could give myself a chance to pick up and start the healing process again.

After not such a good night's rest, I took a look back, evaluate and learn from last night, rather than allow myself to start the cycle over. But what had I learned, I had allowed the ED to ruin yet another day of my life?

I tried to say to myself today what I had said last night and I could not even begin to form the words. I simply do not believe them, nor looking back did I really believe them when I said them. I had allowed in a moment of weakness the ED a chance to speak. At a time when I was most vulnerable, I listened to it over my voice of love and compassion.

Be that what it may, I did learn for yesterday's events. I learned that even though nights like those happen, I grow stronger and more empathetic towards myself each time. I learned that even though I recognized a situation for a possible binge, which was a good thing, I need to resist the temptation to restrict out of fear and anxiety, but rather be merciful and oblige in what my body needs. I'm slowly learning to have some amnesia in a sense that yesterday's food and meals need to be forgotten and listen to what I need for today. I learned that even with each step back, it gets easier to return to where I was, and am even able to progress forward more firmly. I'm learning to fight and talk back to the ED, and to love and forgive myself.

I am not a nobody with nothing to show. I am someone with the entire world before me. I am me, learning and loving myself one day at a time.

It's cold outside, make sure to drink your greens

Ok, I can't say I'm happy anymore about these snowy days. Can someone please turn summer back on.

Because of the fridged -10 degree temperature and feeling a little under the weather - pun intended - I decided I was in serious need of a soul enriching green smoothie. Give my body that extra pow it needs to fight off any ill whether it be due to stress, anxiety, or the cold. I've mentioned before in previous posts my love and appreciation of green smoothies, but I just can not tell you enough the liveliness I feel from giving my body all the nutrients from this power drink. It has changed my life.

You can play around with the green smoothie and alter it to your own tastes - maybe you don't like kale, that's fine, spinach are wonderful greens for smoothies. Today's smoothie consisted of 1 bunch of kale, 1 (large) orange, 1 (large) gala apple, 1 cup of almond milk, and 1 Nutiva protein powder packet to give it an extra boost of green power.

The power of this drink, for me, goes far beyond it's nutrient. Starting the day off with a green smoothie makes me feel alive and diminishes any feelings associated with the ED, anxiety, cravings, fears, all I feel is alive and well.

For those of you attempting to live a life will less animal products, almond milk is a great substitute to dairy. I use Pacific original organic almond milk - I think it tastes better than the unsweetened. Pacific is a pretty reputable and trustworthy brand.

After battling the elliptical trainer for an hour and sweating  more than a cold drink in July, I was so beyond stir crazy from being stuck in the house for 2 days, I decided to risk the roads and take a trip to The Bucks. Starbucks to you who aren't delighted to be familiar with my lovely father - there's a little sarcasm in there for those of you who aren't catching that.

  Lunch consisted of a green machine smoothie with another packet of Nutiva for extra umph, a soy chai tea latte, an orange that I forgot to photograph and lots and lots of work on the Macbook. You would be surprised how refreshing it can be to sit in a crowded room full of people with the aroma of coffee brewing unless you have been stuck indoors for 2 days. Oh society how dearly I missed thee.

After soaking in all the wonderfulness that is people watching and getting a second hand high off of the many pots of freshly brewed coffee, I roughed it back home to make my favorite treat, muffins. I have a very loving bond with muffins. They were the first pastry that I was able to allow myself to treat myself to without the feelings of guilt and anxiety. I'm not sure why the muffin was the miracle worker that it was, but it definitely was the key that opened the door to other wonderful pastry perfections.

Good Morning muffins: make 16 muffins

Dry Ingredients

1 1/2 c whole wheat pastry flower
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 tbsp flax seeds

1 tbsp cinnamon

1/2 tbsp nutmeg

Wet Ingredients

1 tbsp Red Mill all-natural egg replacer + 3 tbsp water
1 apple - chopped
1 banana - chopped
1 c organic apple sauce
1 tbsp vanilla
1/4 c organic grade B maple syrup
1/4 c brown sugar
1/4 c all-natural peanut butter
1/2 tbsp olive oil

Preheat oven to 350 degrees
Begin by combining dry ingredients in a large bowl and wisk together to incorporate. In another bowl place all wet ingredients and stir together until everything is well combined. Slowly, 1/3 at a time, combine the dry ingredients with the wet. Do not over mix, just stir together enough to allow everything to come together. Once combined, using an ice cream scoop, place the muffin mix into pre-greased muffin tins. Bake for 12-15 minutes. Allow to cool. Enjoy!

These are perfect for breakfast, snack, or a treat. I enjoy my muffins best with a steamy cup of my favorite chai tea latte and either Jess Merritt, Liz Norton, Andi Ostrowski, or any one of my wonderful girl friends. The Train and I usually opt for chocolate if we're going to treat.

Tonight is date night with the Z man. It's Japanese/Mongolian night for us which means Legends of Asia, an all you can eat Japanese & Mongolian buffet - stay tuned, tomorrow could be rough, buffets and I usually do NOT get along, too much food eeks me out and usually is a trigger to binge. I've been good about talking this over with the Train - not a usual thing for me - and he is very good at "holding my hand" through the process to keep all the anxiety at a minimal otherwise I would be a wreck. Wish me luck!

How do you get through anxious situations? 

Cold days call for sledding and comfort food

Happy snow day! Well, to those of us living in the midwest and being blasted with loads and loads of snow. For the first time in a long time, I don't mind a snow day because that means I get the Train home for the day with me. Happy snow day indeed.

With the falling snow and the bone-chilling temperatures, I was inspired to comfort by way of nothing other than warm sweet oats. Not wanting to fall into routine or be menontinous, I played around with different recipes to spice things up. First up Cinnamon Chai Spiced Apple Oats. These oats were the perfect beginning to such a frosty morning and with my obsession of chai, these oats made me smile inside and out.

 Cinnamon Chai Spiced Oats:
1/3 rolled oats
1 c. almond milk - or any type of milk you prefer, or water
1 apple, chopped
1 tbsp chai seeds
1 tbsp cinnamon - this is a lot, but I love cinnamon, so feel free to start with 1 tsp
1 scoop Lifetime Life's Basic vanilla protein (optional)
1 packet stevia
1 tsp vanilla

Place the oats, apple, chai seeds, cinnamon and milk into a small sauce pan and place on medium low heat. Bring to a simmer stirring constantly and then remove from heat, placing a lid on the pan so to trap the heat and allow the oats to cook and the apple to soften. After 10 minutes, add the protein, stevia and vanilla, and mix well - it'll take a little work to make sure the protein gets incorporated well - and enjoy the piping hot spicy goodness warming your soul.

After a trip on the elliptical trainer watching the snow continue to fall and blanket the KC, I was ready for some things good to eat. Again, I turned to oats, but made sure to change it up and give myself - and you - something different. Lunch consisted of Monkey Oats. Peanut butter, banana, and chocolate cooked together with oats, nothing better for a post-workout lunch.

Monkey Oats:
1/3 c. old fashion oats
1 c almond milk - or your milk of choice, or water
1 banana
2 tbsp PB2
1 tbsp carob powder - cocoa powder
1 tsp vanilla
1 packet stevia

Place the oats, banana, PB2 and milk into a small sauce pan and place on medium low heat. Bring to a simmer stirring constantly and then remove from heat, placing a lid on the pan so to trap the heat and allow the oats to cook and everything to heat through. After 10 minutes, add carob powder, stevia and vanilla, and mix well, and enjoy the piping hot chocolatey, nutty goodness warming your soul.

For those of you not familiar with PB2, its a delicious substitute to peanut butter. All the peanutty goodness without the saturated fat, PB2 is peanuts that are roasted and then pressed into a powder creating a deep rich peanut flavor. I suggest trying it in smoothies, sauces, dressing and of course oats.

Of course the Train and I could not let all this beautiful snow go to waste, so after dinner, all bundled up, we trecked out to the famous Mad Dog hill down the road for some good old fashioned sledding. Not only was this so much fun, it totally kicked my butt walking back up the hill with 10lbs of extra clothes on and 6 inches of snow to get through. It was totally worth it.

After a good hour of trips up and down Mad Dog, we decided to call it a night and resume tomorrow after the snow has packed down a little - yes, the Z man and I are truly dorks at heart. Once we peeled all 6 layers off, I made something that I knew would do some serious warming of my heart. Chai tea latte made with almond milk, oh the things you do to me chai tea. It was just what my cold body needed.

After finishing off this lovely cup of sweetness, the Train and I plopped it on the couch and watched the snow fall. It was a perfect ending to a wonderful day. The best part of it all, we get to do it all over again tomorrow.

Happy happy snowy snow day indeed.

A little deepness, a little darkness

Hello and happy Tuesday! I can't tell you how excited I was to read all the loving advice and suggestions. Keep the posts coming!

I must admit one thing. I am still very hesitant and nervous to publish my blogs for everyone to read. I want to write from my heart and say what I want to say, but I am still nervous knowing my friends and family (and fiance) will be reading some possibly dark and deep thoughts. But I promised to stay true to myself on this soul searching journey, so that is what I am going to do.

Sometimes I feel very selfish. I feel like this disease was created by me and therefore I should be the one to cure it. It is my problem to fix and I just need to fix it. Other can help me to get to a place of freedom, but ultimately it is I who has to do the freeing.

These same thoughts have created a deep loneliness within me. The dark secret of it all and the feeling I must do this on my own makes it difficult to allow others in to see the true me, all of me, craziness included. I would keep people at a distance so they would not discover the secret. For those that I did allow somewhat in had difficulty knowing what to do or how to help. It is hard to understand what truly is going on if you have not suffered from this. Even with all their love and support, it was hard to explain and for them to understand the emotions and the drive the ED created, causing me at times to feel even more alone.  

So much of the the time I was living day by day, calorie by calorie, self loath by self loath. It was an endless cycle of waking up with the best of intentions (to me) to try harder and be better, while still restricting, working out harder and longer, and faking a big smile so no one would catch on to the madness within. I would get sympathy and encouragement from those who love me, but it pains me to say that I was not giving much, if any, true love to those in return. I was so focused on the next calorie, the next workout, perpetuating the feelings of selfishness and loneliness, and ultimately the cycle.

Fortunately, after many years of hard work and with the help of a wonderful holistic counselor (and the passionate support of friends and family, particularly my sister and fiance), I know now all this was the ED talking, trying to keep me drawn in. I am now able to distinguish my inner compassionate voice from the ED voice and no longer believe I am horrible or disgusting (or any negative adjective for that matter). I can talk back to it with empathy and kindness creating a love of self that had been lost for a long time. I am able to be good to me and love me. The place of freedom gets closer and closer every loving step at a time. It is still a work in progress, but it is progressing with each inner word of kindness.

Even after rereading this I feel a sense of warmth and love knowing I do not truly believe any of those thoughts any longer...Yep, freedom gets closer every loving step at a time.  







 

Home at last!

Happy Monday! (and Martin Luther King Day!)

We made it! It took 22 long sleepless grueling hours of nothing but driving through mountains, fog, snow/ice, and darkness, BUT we made it! Happy day!

After a very long and much needed night of deep sleep, I woke up not feeling so hot (but still happy!). I didn't drink much water during the drive - didn't want to have to stop as much as we usually do - and I could feel the dehydration all throughout my body. So after sucking down 2 whole camelbak, I started to feel a little better and decided to start making myself something warm and creamy.

These are my delicious, soul touching apple, banana, almond butter long cooking oats. These will literally touch your heart. And to boot, they are super easy!

Soul Touching Oats:
1/3 c old fashion oats
1/2 c almond milk
1/2 c water - you could do just water or just almond milk
1 small apple
1/2 banana
1 tbsp almond butter - or any nut butter of your choice
1/4 tsp vanilla
1 packet stevia - or a little agave or brown sugar

Start with cutting up your fruit into small pieces and placing them to the side. Fill a small sauce pan with oats and almond milk/water and place on low-medium heat. Let that warm just slightly and then stir in the fruit. Once it start to simmer, turn off the heat, add the almond butter, and place a lid on it. Let it sit on the stove - but off the heat - for 10 minutes. The steam will break down the fruit and allow the oats to cook through. After 10 minutes, add in the vanilla and the stevia. Mix well, place into your favorite cute bowl and enjoy!

These oats seemed to touch more than my soul today, they are so good, especially after surviving 22 hours on apples and Larabars.

If anyone is curious, they are all for the most part de-lish, but the Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough is (right now) my favorite!

Lunch was a monstrous salad - mixed greens, an avocado, a diced apple, carrots, cabbage with balsamic and olive oil - from a salad bar. It felt good to put something fresh into my life after that grueling trip.

After the Train and I ran some errands and got some things to make dinner, he unpacked the cars and I made dinner. Once in Boise when I was in the midst of clearing out my cupboards before going home for a break I discovered the blissful marriage of acorn squash and avocados. Sounds a little off, but I promise, the warm sweet starchy goodness of the squash pairs beautifully with the cool butteriness of the avocado. So I roasted the squash - cut it in half and cut side up place in a 400 degree oven for 30 - 40 minutes - and cut it up into small cubes with some mixed greens and the avocado. A drizzle of olive oil and balsamic vinegar, and dinner was served.

Today has been a push/pull day for me. I'm being pulled towards something that makes sense financially and is really a great opportunity for the Z man and I, but my heart is pushing me towards something that is more easing of my heart, mind, and soul (and my relationship). We have the chance to stay with the in-laws until the wedding allowing us to save money to start a life, but that means living in a place full of anxiety, triggers, and possible ED challenges. A part of me says "buck up Burns, you'd be saving quite a bit of money for you the and Train" but the other part says "allow this place is wonderful, it is not right place for you to be in while trying to heal".

I've talked the situation over with the Train and although I know he will do anything to help me, I don't know that he understands the magnitude of the situation. And even though I've tried explaining things to him, I think its harder trying to explain things to myself. The ED tells me to do unhealthy things, stay in a place full of triggers and that causes me distress, but I'm trying to listen to the new found inner voice that I have that tells me to be nice to me, be good to me, do what is right for me.

 How do you fight off disordered thoughts and listen to your nurturing voice? Do you know how to listen to your nurturing voice or have you lost connection with it? 


Well the rest of the night is going to be catching up on some other blogs and trying to figure this camera thing out so I can upload better pictures. I'm so happy to be back in KC with the Train and both of my beautiful four legged children.